Breath in the peace and breath out the hostility and the hunger for conflict that has consumed you! Breath in the clear air and expel that rancid basement man cave air!
Welcome to Yoga for Right Wing Militias! My name is Angela, and I’m so glad you signed up for my class! I just know you are here to learn how the ancient practice of yoga can help you integrate your mind and body with your favorite techniques of street combat, weapons handling and vague rants about political ideals.
We all know it’s exhausting to be on your feet all day, loaded down with guns and body armor! But during the one hour a week we are together, we will learn that the human body is a holistic temple comprised of many interrelated dimensions, and if we can cultivate the best mind and body health, you can become the best militia member ever!
Snowflake? I am a snowflake! On my days off, I volunteer at the Humane Society where I rehabilitate injured squirrels. But we’re here to learn how we can all be more like snowflakes! Light, ethereal beings who understand the transitory nature of our existence yet wish to learn yoga to be healthy and happy!
Oh, grumble, grumble! I just know you don’t really feel like that! Let’s get started!
We’ll go around and introduce ourselves in a few minutes, and it’s perfectly fine to call yourself “Great White Avenger” or “Kill ’em All” or what not. What’s said in yoga class stays in yoga class!
But first, please be sure you have checked all firearms with my assistant Cindy. And give her your body armor, too, because we’re all about breaking down barriers to your mind and soul! She will stow all your gear in our armory and issue you a camo face mask and mat.
Don’t worry if your camo patterns clash! We’re in a safe place and we don’t need to criticize others!
Grab a plastic bucket and empty the pockets of your cargo pants and tactical vests of candy bars, loose ammunition and anything sharp. And please, turn off your phones and two-way radios. We are in a safe space and any comm devices will interrupt the meditative universe we need to seek the harmony between mind and body.
Being off Facebook for an hour won’t kill you!
Move out onto the floor and let’s get started! Pick a square in the social distancing grid, and sit down, light the incense and take off your combat boots.
Aren’t you starting to feel relaxed and more aware of the universe? Let’s sit cross legged, or as much as you can bend your legs, and start with some breathing exercises called Pranayamas.
No, not pajamas. Pranayamas are ancient breathing exercises! Our breath is the source of our prana, which is our vital life force. So empty your mind of all conspiracies and concentrate on breathing deeply and evenly. And please breathe through your nose, not your mouth.
Breath in the peace and breath out the hostility and the hunger for conflict that has consumed you! Breath in a pure white light and breath out all those dark camo colors! Breath in the clear mountain air and expel that rancid basement man cave air!
Doesn’t that feel great? You can truly own the liberals by demonstrating your superior grasp of breathing techniques! You can battle with Pranayamas rather than pepper spray or guns! When you grasp the connection between mind and body and the universe, inflicting pain on others will be so boring!
Now let’s start with an easy Yoga pose called the Mountain. Stand up with your back straight and your arms relaxed by your side. Close your eyes and breathe! We are mountains, tall mountains, rooted in the essence of the universe yet standing tall in the high, clean mountain air. Let’s be mountains for a few minutes! A mountain has no need for body armor! A mountain has no need to prove its strength. A mountain just is!
Now, let’s make up own pose! Let’s call this the On Guard Pose Move your right foot back and turn slightly sideways so you present less of an exposed target to vital organs. Yes, this is just like your combat training! Now raise and bend your arm as if you are resting your trigger finger on the trigger guard of your long gun, but only imagine you have a long gun. Now close your eyes, breath deeply and evenly, and imagine a target rich environment. There are liberals! And BLM activists! And grandmothers! And they all may appear to be very dangerous! But we are going to radiate strength and calm and happiness and never, ever move that trigger finger to the trigger! And then we will realize there is no danger!
Now, let’s finish the class with some meditation to calm your inner being before you gear up again to head out on patrol. Stand like a mountain again. Clasp your hands together in front of you. Relax your shoulders. Breath deeply and evenly.
Imagine with me that we’re all astride white horses, and we’re riding to a government building where there are hundreds of liberals protesting something like liberals always do! The sky is bright blue, your horses mane is fluttering in the wind. Your camo fades to pastels. Your insignia and patches fall away. Your weapons transform into ice cream cones, sprinkled with the rainbow colors of infinite wisdom. You hand out your ice cream cones out to the Liberals and children. You’re owning the liberals with ice cream and kind words from the center of your new found serenity.
Breath in and out one more time. And that’s it! You’re very relaxed now, so don’t forget your weapons and body armor on your way out!
And please resist the urge to lock and load until you are well outside the building. Our insurance doesn’t cover gunshot wounds, accidental or not.
I’ll see you next week!