The Lonely Planet Guide™ to an Insurrection
Welcome to the new Lonely Planet Guide™ to an Insurrection! We hope you’ll find in these pages valuable tips for your journey to the fascinating and colorful land of an insurrection. This edition contains new, updated information provided by other travelers. You’ll find information on getting a visa and clearing customs, finding food and keeping healthy, and about all the things to see and do. You don’t need to be a seasoned traveler to visit an insurrection, but it can certainly help your chances of not being imprisoned, or simply surviving. Even if you haven’t traveled much and are looking for a weekend adventure with the kids, this guide can help!
Please be aware that we don’t actually condone anyone traveling to or participating in an insurrection, and this book is for informational purposes only. Be aware that your choice to travel to an insurrection may impact your credit rating, your political future and possibly your lifespan. Please read our legal disclaimer in the back pages and consult your own attorney before your trip.
ORIENTATION
Upon passing through the security perimeter of an insurrection — be it a concertina fence, a militarized blockade or a government building — you’ll soon realize that no one is on hand to stamp your passport or check for forbidden fruits and vegetables. That’s because it’s an insurrection and no one cares about such things.
If you happen to change your mind immediately after entering an insurrection and want to leave, you’ll learn that it’s difficult; at a minimum, you will be questioned by the authorities, debriefed by Fox News and harangued by some random guy in camo who assures you he knows the truth about the deep state operatives who have pulled our strings for far too long.
WHAT TO BRING
Bring your phone and charging cable, energy bars, a gallon of milk to wash away tear gas, a pair of buffalo horns with a secure chin strap, pelts of various wild animals, your favorite flag of a lost cause or defeated traitorous nation-state, and a handwritten diatribe on your personal political views.
WHAT TO WEAR
You will feel right at home wearing your favorite cosplay and LARPing outfits, and don’t forget your sunglasses and body armor. But be aware that Hawaiian shirts and patriotic face paint could make some of the locals nervous. A rain shell and cold weather gear may come in handy, but don’t trust the government weather forecasts, just look up at the sky and check the wind direction for a quick idea of what’s in store.
CURRENCY
The good old US dollar in cash form is still the currency of choice, but it’s also useful to have Venmo and PayPal on your phone to be able to split the bar tab later on. We’ve had reports that crisp $100 bills come in very handy when attempting to bribe police who are arresting you, but only as long as the bills are not signed “Happy Birthday” in sharpie by your mother.
WHEN TO GO
Check the Twitter timeline of your favorite GOP congressperson for the locations and dates of upcoming insurrections.
USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW
Check the Twitter timeline of your favorite GOP congressperson to learn phrases that can be useful to identify yourself to other insurgency-minded folks. You can also learn keywords that will help you establish plausible deniability to your family and the authorities as to your whereabouts and culpability. The #insurrection hash tag can be a source of valuable tips.
HEALTH
An insurrection can be hazardous to your health, and the dangers are many: gassing, dismemberment, and death. It’s a very good idea to have health insurance such as Obamacare, but we advise you to not actually tell people you meet that you have Obamacare, as that could lead to you actually needing Obamacare at that point.
WOMEN TRAVELERS
Be prepared for old fashioned chivalry and role models. You will be treated with the courtesies of a helping hand over barbed wire barricades, shielded from the smoke and heat as you pass burning vehicles, and offered the driest spot on the floor of the prison cell. But also be prepared to cook, clean and homeschool all the kids. But we assume that if you’re at an insurrection in the first place, you’re OK with all that!
SOCIETY & CULTURE
Religion is typically a strong local cultural tradition at an insurrection, and most people you meet will be Christians, with a rare smattering of other faiths. But during an insurrection, it’s probably a good idea not to discuss religion, because it can be a hot button issue that is exasperated by the chaos around you.
DANGERS & ANNOYANCES
Fortunately, the so called “murder hornets” which have been in the news lately have not been spotted at any recent insurrections.
VOLUNTEER ORGANIZATIONS
It’s likely that your destination has been designated a failed state by the United Nations, so you’ll see literature tables for The Red Cross, The Salvation Army and Doctors Without Borders. Be sure to make a donation in country, or when (and if) you safely return home.
THINGS TO SEE & DO
If you think you may have have trouble finding things to see and do during an insurrection, it’s probably a good idea to stay home and watch the insurrection on TV.
PLACES TO EAT
During an insurrection, we advise snacking on energy bars and water and not on street food like hot dogs or kombucha offered by people draped in animal pelts. After the insurrection, if you are not dead or incarcerated, you should be able to retire to the nearest four star hotel for dinner and drinks.
NIGHT LIFE
There’s usually a vibrant night life after an insurrection where people really let loose and blow off steam! But be cautious of live streaming bad dancing and other incriminating evidence. And don’t forget to check out the other insurgents on Tinder or Bumble.
SPORTS & OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES
In between assaults on government buildings and torching vehicles, insurgents have been known to play Folf and Cornhole. On rainy days, Monopoly: The Insurgency Edition is popular.
WILDLIFE
Don’t expect to see much wildlife during an insurrection; drastic changes in habitat usually force most bird and animal life to flee, except for animals which have become habituated to humans for all their food, such as squirrels and rats. And it’s probably a better idea to spend your time on your own situational awareness and safety than feeding the critters.
GETTING THERE AND AWAY
Most insurrections are served by major airlines, but your return leg may be problematic in that you may find yourself on the no fly list, and in that case, there are no refunds. If you’ve arrived by car or bus, simply follow the crowds of people who look like you as they walk to the source of noise and smoke. To leave an insurrection, run. Or surrender to the nearest law enforcement officer or National Guard member while clearly showing your hands.
IF YOU GO
Be sure and leave a last will and testament in an easy to find location at home and delete any incriminating social media posts. But certainly don’t tell the authorities that we suggested that. And please familiarize yourself with our legal disclaimer in the back pages. And when (and if) you return, visit our website and leave helpful comments for future travelers! Have a great trip!
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