Terms of Service for Your New Lawn Sprinkler
Congratulations on purchasing your 100% Brass High Quality Lawn Sprinkler manufactured to the highest quality control standards! Your new sprinkler will provide many years of enjoyment. Please read and agree to these Terms of Service.
You agree to attach sprinkler to only high quality 100% rubber hose which has 99.9% pure brass fittings and using the included 100% rubber washer. You agree to only hand tighten the hose fitting and not use pliers or other tooling which will mar the brass finish and void your warranty and as a result make us question the meaning of our lives working in this factory making wonderful products for ungrateful and callous customers.
You agree to connect to the sprinkler only water from a municipal source, i.e. treated and chlorinated and analyzed to contain federally acceptable levels of heavy metal content, and agree that no salt, brackish or gray water should pass through the delicate, sensitive and beautiful 100% brass body of the sprinkler, because we only ask you to care for this sprinkler as you would your own body, even though the chances are good that you’re not sensitive or beautiful, or why else would you be buying a lawn sprinkler?
You agree that this sprinkler is designed and engineered for outdoor use only, and any indoor use is expressively ill-advised, as watering indoors may also cause all adjacent apartments, prison cells and otherwise habitable spaces to be rendered uninhabitable for people but possibly habitable by mermaids, and the health and safety of all forms of aquatic life enabled by this sprinkler are not covered in these Terms of Service.
You agree to monitor the sprinkler’s outdoor usage at all times in order to not water any impermeable areas, such as sidewalks and streets, and as a result negatively impact our sprinkler’s branding and destroy whatever reputation you have left in your neighborhood and cause shame for many, many generations of your offspring.
You agree to adhere to local ordinances for summer watering schedules and if violated, you agree to return this sprinkler to the hardware store where purchased wearing a cardboard sign around your neck stating your violation written in scarlet sharpie, and receive a full refund less 20% restocking fees, and then spend an hour with neck and wrists sequestered in the wooden stocks adjacent to the sacks of cow manure.
You agree to assume any liability if you use this sprinkler in winter and cause icy, hazardous conditions, either indoors or outdoors, and even though we can agree that a frozen waterfall does look quite festive during the holidays, and causing old people to slip on the ice and fall and break bones possibly makes good comedy in movies, it doesn’t in real life, and doing that you will get sued and we won’t mind.
You agree to not hack the sprinkler, i.e. use tools or other methods to increase water output volume, range or distribution; or to weld to, reprogram or otherwise modify the sprinkler from its original manufacturing and design; and if you happen to be a laid off blue collar worker in the midwestern rust belt, you further agree to not sandblast the Made in China stamped lettering off the bottom from a pitiful sense of revenge.
You agree to let individuals under 18 run through a running sprinkler as many times as they wish while under parental or guardian supervision. You agree that individuals over 18 can run through twice (if they are physically able and do not require assistance); and you agree to assist anyone showing a valid handicapped parking permit to walk or otherwise move through the sprinkler, but only once; and you agree to redirect all excessive or overly emotional run through requests to a fire hydrant in an urban area of New Jersey.
You agree to monitor and turn on your sprinkler for any and all dog owners who knock on your door and request sprinkler play time. You also agree to turn on sprinkler for any and all cats who rub up against your ankles and purr when requesting sprinkler play time, and agree to fully document any cats playing in your sprinkler and provide the documentation, on request, to our attorneys, for an investigation into such monstrous feline behavior.
You agree to allow only high quality bird species to bathe in the sprinkler, i.e. Robins, Grackles, as well as any threatened or endangered species, and use any legal methods at your disposal to discourage Starlings, pigeons or other invasive or undesirable species to bathe, i.e. using fireworks, automatic weapons or loud music, under any applicable local and state laws and with the explicit permission of neighbors.
Lastly, you agree to be monitored by birds outfitted by our technicians with tiny video cameras, and when presented with video evidence of your violations of these terms of service, your only hope for mercy is to return your lawn sprinkler to the store where you bought it and kneel down and pray for forgiveness, or we reserve the right to send a flock of larger and meaner birds which will congregate at your home, sort of but not quite like a horror movie, and harass you until you do return the sprinkler to the place of purchase for a full refund, because you’re not good enough to own one of our sprinklers.
Congratulations on purchasing and please enjoy your new 100% Brass High Quality Lawn Sprinkler!
