Here is Your Free Right-Wing Militia Remarketing Analysis!
Dear Right-wing Militia Leader,
Thank you for your email regarding our services at Get A Life Remarketing Consultants! Here is your free, no obligation remarketing analysis of what we can do to increase the success of your right-wing militia group. Our team at Get A Life is well known for creating actionable remarketing plans which can strategically position a client to regain their former market penetration and take their business to the next level!
We know that market disruption in the right-wing militia world is at an all time high, but we can help you take advantage of the chaos to growth hack your way in multiple channels, such as diversifying your political beliefs and motivating deeper acolyte engagement so your members have a reason to gear up and come out of the basement! We can help attract new members and motivate them to fully engage in the right-wing militia life, even to the degree to which they may be sentenced to federal prison!
Here at Get A Life Remarketing Consultants, we’re ready to develop a strategic action plan that will get your militia group back in the news with the most radical political messaging and the most fearsome looking “boots on the ground.” It’s clear that the market complexity of the right-wing world has increased, and it’s getting more and more difficult to attract consumers due to market saturation from so-called militia “influencers,” who don’t stress physical conditioning, personal grooming and even outfit their members with less than name brand “tactical-play” gear. These influencers recruit by ensuring political outcomes that are simply not credible in this modern political theater, and they simply don’t manage their recruit’s expectations. But we do! How? By accurately portraying the chances of any given militia member ending up in federal prison!
And what about the liberal media, you ask? Here at Get A Life Remarketing, we know all about it! Increased liberal media velocity means you need to be able to pivot even faster! We can provide a proven, high-converting media strategy that increases your militia’s visibility, manages your social content and tracks your hard won political results. We can dedicate our media army to your account, which is comprised of Millennial and Gen Z-grade shock troops well-versed in the dark arts of viral social influencing and skilled at countering Liberal negatives. When under the gun, so to speak, these shock troops can text at a minimum of 300 words a minute, far faster than your average Liberal. And our shock troops can script and shoot a viral TikTok in under an hour, even if produced with low-res footage shot in and smuggled out of a federal prison!
We feel our media and marketing skills and capabilities should demonstrate to you our commitment to grow your militia business, but wait! As a bonus to you from Get A Life Remarketing Consultants, we can present some “big picture” marketing concepts brainstormed by our staff, just for you!
These concepts will get the life back into your militia! They all focus around team building, group activities and merchandise opportunities. As we say: go big — and with lots of guns — or go home!
1) A Militia theme park! This marketing strategy that can bring all your acolytes together under one roof. Think about the merch potential! We have ex-Disneyland creatives ready to brainstorm your park, as well as medical experts who can advise on the number of trauma centers required per hundred militia visitors. We can source inexpensive second hand carnival rides and lots of minimum wage employees for staff. The paranoid in you might sense that gathering all your militia members in one place would offer law enforcement a chance to swoop in and net them all. Well, you could be correct!
2) A Militia cruise! We know there are a few right-wing cruises scheduled this season, but none of them can feature unlimited ammo for target practice over the ocean! Due to the fact that the cruise will be in international waters and under maritime law, cruise options include what we call “struggle sessions” (a term we borrowed from the Chinese Cultural Revolution) where individuals are selected for the type of intense re-socialization that may not be legal in the continental US. Think of the possibilities! You can root out cowards and build team cohesiveness! And if the cruise ship hits an ice berg or is attacked by pirates, don’t worry! We will have a rapid rescue force on standby, manned by a diverse group from many different federal law enforcement agencies.
3) A large, walled compound in a heavily timbered, remote valley in the Pacific Northwest. This concept is perfect for large gatherings! We can employ precise online marketing for your desired demographic of individuals ages 25–45 who are good shots and are able to farm and have babies. This is, admittedly, the most extreme of our plans, but this could become realistic depending on both the success of your GoFundMe, real estate agents sympathetic to your cause, and current law enforcement pressures on your members.
So please let us know here at Get A Life Remarketing Consultants what your thoughts are! Be sure and call us from a burner phone! We can also schedule a Zoom call, but we suggest wearing a balaclava and removing anything visible which can be used to triangulate your location. In your worst case scenario, we are also willing to receive collect calls from any location in the federal prison system.
But before you talk with us, be sure to talk with your lawyer first! They will certainly have good advice for you on whether to continue this possibly incriminating conversation!
Best Wishes!
