God Calls About Your Extended Car Warranty
Hello, this is God! I’ve been trying to reach you concerning your car’s extended warranty. You should have received my postcard in the mail, but since I didn’t hear from you, I decided to give you a final courtesy call before I close your file. Press the pound key to speak to a warranty specialist now!
Our warranty specialist will also answer your obvious question: why is an all-knowing and all-powerful deity pitching extended auto warranties? To be honest, being God gets a little boring. Knowing and seeing everything isn’t what it’s cracked up to me. I’d like to get drunk and forget those quadrillions of trivial life details about all those trillions of humans who have lived through all time. But I can’t get drunk anymore, because bad things happen when God gets drunk. Ask the others at our last AA meeting! They told me I needed to find something to do with my spare time. So I thought: why not benefit mankind by selling extended car warranties? And make some extra cash at the same time?
I know what you’re thinking: these extended car warranties are a scam. Well, they sort of are! We can’t possibly pay for everything that leaves you broken down on the side of the road. At least I’m being honest with you. Just be be glad I’m not selling unlimited phone data plans. Those are a real scam!
Anyhoo, where was I? If you press the pound key you’ll speak to one of my warranty specialist angels. You think I have time to talk to you myself? I have things to do and places to be! And if English is not your first language, don’t worry! I have billions of people up here who are fluent in all the human languages, because heaven has been a destination for dead people for a long, long time.
By the way, Hell is also a popular destination for dead people. But my buddy Beelzebub runs the show down there, and we’ve agreed to disagree about a lot of things, including whether my extended car warranty is valid in down there. By the way, it’s not. It’s sort of difficult to drive in hell anyway, because your engine is always overheating and the roads are always melting.
But back to the business at hand: why would you need an extended warranty for your car? You may never know what’s going to happen, but I do. Remmeber, I’m omniscient. Am I telling you something you don’t know about that engine timing belt? Maybe I am. I could just tell you, right? But why spoil the fun we’re having?
By the way, this extended warranty doesn’t cover what you humans call “Acts of God.” I mean, we have to be reasonable on what we cover. We can’t make a buck if we cover everything that can happen, like a tree falling on your car, or a flood that lasts for 40 days, or even a swarm of locusts, which is entirely possible these days. And like the small print says, our warranty isn’t valid where prohibited, taxed or otherwise restricted. And if that small print bothers you, I have millions of dead lawyers up here to back me up. What? Some lawyers do end up in heaven. Hard to believe, but it’s true. Oh, I wish I could tell you these lawyers in heaven jokes I know!
I haven’t heard you press the pound key, so I take it you’re not interested? That’s OK, I understand. Maybe you don’t have much money right now. Or maybe it’s because sometimes people make bad choices in life. That’s why so many people die before their time.
Wait! That’s not a threat! God would never threaten anyone! I love everyone. Haven’t you ever read the Bible? On second thought, don’t read it. I didn’t write it. A bunch of other guys wrote it after I died. And even I don’t believe everything they say about me.
But it sounds like you haven’t hung up yet, and if this car warranty doesn’t pique your interest, I have another special offer that’s good only during this call.
It’s an extended warranty for your body! Yes, that temple of God, your own flesh and blood. You always ignore that little voice in your head that is always telling you to take better care of yourself. So who couldn’t make good use of an extended warranty for their own body?
Think of it like this: I created you. Or, if you’re female, I created you out of one of Adam’s ribs. So who would know more about your body and how it works than me? It’s like you’re getting an extended warranty right from the factory!
But how is this warranty different than the health insurance you have, you ask? Well, let’s put it this way — I know a lot more than your doctor. I know where all the problems are. I have X-ray vision like an MRI! Or is it the other way around?
If you get my extended warranty on your body, you can trust me to cover everything. I mean, I made you, in my image. Why wouldn’t I cover everything? Well, within reason. You still have to die. I can’t do anything about that. But other than that, I’ll cover it under warranty. I used to have a problem with organ donations, but I got used to the paperwork involved. Well, I cover everything except abortions. Just don’t ask me to go there. It’s just my personal opinion.
I can see — remember, I’m all seeing and all knowing — that you still haven’t yet pressed the pound key yet, but our computer says you’re still listening. Do you have questions? Just press that pound key and a full body extended warranty specialist will answer all your questions!
Well, OK. We’re just not connecting here. Maybe you think talking to an angel is intimidating? Maybe talking to me is? I’m trying to be just a regular guy trying to make a buck and help people.
Sigh. OK. Here’s the deal. Here’s one last offer before we hang up. And when I hang up, I promise that I’ll never, ever call again. You’ll be on our forever do not call list. For the rest of your earthly existence.
What’s this final offer I’m talking about?
An extended warranty for your soul!
This could very well be the deal of your natural lifetime! And your eternal life! It’s much more worth the money than a car or body warranty. You truly can never know what can happen to your soul. It’s simply beyond a humans’ comprehension. Mostly because I made man that way. I didn’t want any competition.
But I know what will happen to your soul. I always know what will happen. Who was that famous philosopher who laughed and said God is dead? Well, he was wrong. And he’s dead, too. Been dead. For a long time now. And although we have a strict privacy policy regarding residents of Heaven, I can say he ain’t in Heaven.
I’m sure you don’t want to get into an intense theological discussion right now about your soul. I certainly don’t! I get so tired of explaining everything to humans. All I can say is everyone qualifies for this extended soul warranty. People of every religious persuasion! Everyone! Even atheists! Even if you have never believed in me before!
And, I don’t require you to do anything extra. I don’t care if you take up religion or start going to church! But you might want to do one or more of those things. Just saying.
There’s nothing you need to do except pay the low annual fee. We’ll automatically charge your credit card so you don’t have to worry about your warranty being cancelled. But be sure your card doesn’t expire. You don’t want to find that out at the worst possible time. Like right after you die, and St. Peter is checking your soul warranty card at the pearly gates. Your credit card expired. Bummer.
Those preachers on TV who ask you to call and contribute and they’ll pray for you and save your soul? They’re fake. But I let them live because, hey, I like to show compassion for my competition. And I sort of already know if they have an extended warranty on their own souls. Some do. Some don’t. Just saying.
Hello? Press the pound key now to be connected with a specialist who can help with all your questions about an extended warranty for your soul. It’s very affordable! As we say, eternal time’s a wasting!
I may be repeating myself, but all the dead marketing folks I have up here insist that repetition is the way to successfully close a deal. So press the pound key now! You’ll be connected to a warranty specialist who can quickly get you signed up. Have your credit card ready!
Just stop for a moment and contemplate eternity. It’s a long, long time. Take my word for it. Think about your soul. Please press the pound key now. Operators are standing by.
Press the pound key. Or you may forever regret it. Everyone in Hell can tell you that.
