Freudian Police Blotter
A caller told dispatch they had been reading Freud’s “Introduction to Psychoanalysis” and had gone to the kitchen to get some water and had slipped and fallen. Dispatch said they were sure caller had experienced only a Freudian slip and offered a referral to a therapist and a gift card for an introductory session. The caller said they had hurt their back and how could dispatch joke about such a thing? Dispatch recommended caller read Freud’s 1905 book “Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious”, and in order to humor the caller, sent an ambulance. Dispatch also advised caller if later they felt guilty about taking the ambulance to be sure and call back for the referral and gift card so they could talk to a shrink about their mother.
A caller complained that their therapist always fell asleep during their sessions and wanted them arrested. Dispatch explained to the caller that falling asleep wasn’t illegal and speculated that the caller might be boring the therapist. Caller told dispatch they were not a boring person. Dispatch advised the caller that because the therapist was falling asleep, the caller should ask the therapist about their dreams, and caller got angry and asked just who was paying who for therapy anyway? Dispatch told caller they were just trying to help, and caller told dispatch they were no help at all. Dispatch told caller there was no reason to be snippy, and caller told dispatch that they were “full of it” and hung up. The quality control officer monitoring the call reminded the dispatcher they were police, not therapists, and scheduled them for a patience enhancement seminar.
A caller told dispatch they were eight years old and wanted to be a policeman when they grew up because the uniforms were cool. Dispatch advised caller they may be manifesting a fetish for uniforms, and caller asked dispatch if fetish was what went in a salad. Dispatch advised caller to ask their mother about fetishes, and ask their father to explain the Oedipus Complex, and be sure and get good grades so maybe they could join the Freud Police some day.
A caller reported that they heard angels singing in the heavens and a pigeon told them the rapture would take place next Tuesday. Dispatch advised caller not to listen to the pigeon. Caller asked dispatch if they could hear the angels. Dispatch assessed the caller was having a religious experience, and that being outside the department’s jurisdiction advised the caller to take two aspirin and go to church in the morning.
A caller used repressed sexual imagery to report their involvement in a two vehicle auto accident. Dispatch sent a Emergency Psychoanalysis Team van to the accident scene and alerted Sigmund’s AAA Therapeutic Towing Service, which sent a wrecker with a driver trained in deescalating emotional responses to body damage. The first responders reported that after they had confirmed the drivers involved were consenting adults, they cordoned off the crash scene for privacy, served drinks and conducted gender-appropriate therapy sessions with the help of several insurance adjusters who moonlighted as strippers.
A caller told dispatch that their Ego needed to talk to the police about their Id breaking the law. Dispatch asked the Ego how they felt about calling the police on their own Id, and the Ego said they were conflicted, but their Id was being touchy-feely with strangers, and their Superego was no help, because all it did was pontificate about what was right and wrong. Dispatch advised the Ego that this situation was very common, but according to Freud’s theory of personalty, the Ego was still obligated to moderate the Id’s primitive impulses with the Superegos’ moral imperatives. The Ego agreed, but said they felt stuck, so dispatch prescribed Klonopin and a good Pinot Noir. Dispatch asked to speak to the Id and Superego, and the Ego put them on the line. Dispatch advised the Id to learn to respect personal space and told the Superego moderate their insistence a moral stand, and they both reluctantly agreed. The Ego thanked dispatch and then reported that the Superego was now mopey and the Id was headed to a dive bar, but said that for the good of the society we lived in, they would all try to make it all work.
A caller told dispatch their current therapist couldn’t help with their chronic ear worms of popular music and was worried that they were going crazy. Dispatch turned on some therapeutic instrumental music and asked the caller to relax and hoped that the music was helpful. Caller thanked dispatch and said the music was soothing and that maybe their earworm was finally going away. Dispatch then advised the caller that according to Bon Jovi, we’re all living on a prayer, and like Abba, the caller was not facing their Waterloo. Dispatch then asked caller if they would be willing to participate in a short survey after the call. Dispatch recorded that caller had hung up.
A caller reported that the couple in the apartment next door were loudly arguing about the results of their Myers-Briggs personality tests and they were worried about the couple’s compatibility and happiness. Dispatch told caller that such personality tests were really pop-psychology and had no basis in proven theories, but sent a Myers-Briggs Rapid Response Interceptor Team of personality-matched male and female officers who were armed with copies of Myers-Briggs for Dummies and a weapons grade aromatherapy dispenser. After two hours, the team informed dispatch that they had successfully breached the door, retested the couple and discovered more compatibility than was initially assessed, and would be returning to the station once they had aired out the building.
