Bird Reviews of your Lawn Sprinkler

I just have to say that your sprinkler must have been engineered by us Robins, because the water volume and distribution is very efficient. But what’s best is the day after a good watering: the earthworm buffet! For the best results, water for eight hours or so, and then keep the sprinkler off for a day so we can feast. I know us Robins can be slightly annoying when we’re loudly chirping at dusk, but that means we’re happy!

First of all, we ain’t flying rats. We’re clean and love a good bath, and your sprinkler is more convenient than flying to the East River. And we prefer to be called Rock Doves, not Pigeons. Your yard would be a perfect with some outdoor dining. My advice is to spread some stale bread around, but outside the range of the sprinkler. I mean, would you eat soggy bread? If you put on a good table, I’ll get word all around town and this joint will be hopping! And I won’t even demand a kickback. I just ask one thing: give us a heads up if a one of those birds of prey wanders by.

Oh-my-God-God-God! Oh-my-God-God-God! What a nice sprinkler! I’m a Black-capped Chickadee! Can’t you tell? Your sprinkler throws a nice gentle mist for us little birds! Us Chickadees can dance in this all day long! All we need are some sunflower seeds! The brand at the hardware store is the best! And they’re on sale this week! Oh-my-God-God-God!

Your sprinkler is the Uber Eats for us Red-tailed Hawks. Those flying rats are tasty and they deliver themselves right on time. So please don’t turn off the sprinkler if your kids witness the predator prey relationship. It will give them something to write for their “what I did this summer” school essays. They will notice that I have excellent table manners and leave only a few feathers as leftovers, and I always wipe my bill clean afterward.

I know everyone hates us Starlings, but hey, I can take the greatest bath and get my iridescent feathers really clean and my bright yellow bill really shines! I always invite the whole gang and we love to take over the yard and gang up on the Robins and steal their worms. If you don’t like us in your sprinkler, call the police! Oh, wait. I just remembered — the police will say you’re crazy!

I know I’m just a House Sparrow, and everyone thinks I’m worthless and they never put me on their life list, and I’m always flying into your windows and knocking myself out and you don’t care. And the cats! They get one of us every day! Sorry, I forgot to take my Klonopin this morning. But hey, your sprinkler is nice. But the water is a touch too cold for my taste. Can you turn the hot up a bit? I don’t want to catch a cold and die. You don’t want your kids to find a sad, little dead bird in the yard, do you?

Never, ever buy a little sprinkler, says the Raven. Would you send a sparrow to do a Raven’s job? You want a sprinkler like a thunderstorm. Just because of your insultingly weak sprinkler, this Raven is going to remember your face for as long as I live, which can be twenty years or more. This Raven is going to perch on your gutter and stare at you, all day and all night, and you’ll hear my caw caw in your nightmares. You might even consider moving. But a big chunk of raw meat might change this Raven’s mind. Not hamburger, either. How about sirloin? Let’s see if you’re a cheapskate when it comes to placating a Raven.

I might swoop down for a quick shower, but I won’t hang around, because a Bald Eagle must constantly patrol the skies and defend our nation. I also need to verify that your sprinkler says Made in America right on top for all the world to see. When you see me fly by, hum a few bars of The Star Spangled Banner and tell all the small birds not to be afraid. And you don’t need to be afraid, either.

Crow here, and though we’re not movie stars or lauded in poetry like Ravens, we’re just as smart. Want to see a trick? I’ll use a twig to fish some ants out of that crack in the sidewalk. Your sprinkler works OK and cools off my black feathers, but if you have a power drill handy, I’ll show you how to drill out the holes and increase the water flow. That will certainly void your warranty, but I might add that it will be worth it to keep us crows on your good side. Because? That’s a nice shiny car you have. Would be a shame if something happened to it.