And I opened the App and requested a ride uptown, and soon I beheld a driver with a long white beard, and when I entered the back seat he said unto me, “You have opened the first of the Seven Seals, and I am Conqueror and we shall go forth conquering the world.” Check out the rest of the piece at Points in Case: The Four Ubers of the Apocalypse.

A caller told dispatch they had been reading Freud’s “Introduction to Psychoanalysis” and had gone to the kitchen to get some water and had slipped and fallen. Dispatch said they were sure caller had experienced only a Freudian slip and offered a referral to a therapist and a gift card…

I just have to say that your sprinkler must have been engineered by us Robins, because the water volume and distribution is very efficient. But what’s best is the day after a good watering: the earthworm buffet! For the best results, water for eight hours or so, and then keep…

Dear Right-wing Militia Leader, Thank you for your email regarding our services at Get A Life Remarketing Consultants! Here is your free, no obligation remarketing analysis of what we can do to increase the success of your right-wing militia group. …

Hello, this is God! I’ve been trying to reach you concerning your car’s extended warranty. You should have received my postcard in the mail, but since I didn’t hear from you, I decided to give you a final courtesy call before I close your file. …

Congratulations on purchasing your 100% Brass High Quality Lawn Sprinkler manufactured to the highest quality control standards! Your new sprinkler will provide many years of enjoyment. Please read and agree to these Terms of Service. You agree to attach sprinkler to only high quality 100% rubber hose which has 99.9%…

I went to my local Starbucks because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of a life made up of sugar and caffeine, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach about those fancy designs the baristas put on the surface of…

A caller reported hearing loud acoustic guitar music with off-key, sarcastic lyrics from the brownstone next door. — A caller reported hearing loud acoustic guitar music with off-key, sarcastic lyrics from the brownstone next door. Dispatch sent two officers who were accomplished Thursday night open mic musicians and they reported a domestic dispute but did not see the need to request backup singers at the time. The officers…

Welcome to the new Lonely Planet Guide™ to an Insurrection! We hope you’ll find in these pages valuable tips for your journey to the fascinating and colorful land of an insurrection. This edition contains new, updated information provided by other travelers. You’ll find information on getting a visa and clearing…