I just have to say that your sprinkler must have been engineered by us Robins, because the water volume and distribution is very efficient. But what’s best is the day after a good watering: the earthworm buffet! For the best results, water for eight hours or so, and then keep the sprinkler off for a day so we can feast. I know us Robins can be slightly annoying when we’re loudly chirping at dusk, but that means we’re happy!

First of all, we ain’t flying rats. We’re clean and love a good bath, and your sprinkler is more convenient than…


Dear Right-wing Militia Leader,

Thank you for your email regarding our services at Get A Life Remarketing Consultants! Here is your free, no obligation remarketing analysis of what we can do to increase the success of your right-wing militia group. Our team at Get A Life is well known for creating actionable remarketing plans which can strategically position a client to regain their former market penetration and take their business to the next level!

We know that market disruption in the right-wing militia world is at an all time high, but we can help you take advantage of the chaos…

Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin from Unsplash

Hello, this is God! I’ve been trying to reach you concerning your car’s extended warranty. You should have received my postcard in the mail, but since I didn’t hear from you, I decided to give you a final courtesy call before I close your file. Press the pound key to speak to a warranty specialist now!

Our warranty specialist will also answer your obvious question: why is an all-knowing and all-powerful deity pitching extended auto warranties? To be honest, being God gets a little boring. Knowing and seeing everything isn’t what it’s cracked up to me. I’d like to get…

Photo by Jordan Hopkins from Unsplash

Congratulations on purchasing your 100% Brass High Quality Lawn Sprinkler manufactured to the highest quality control standards! Your new sprinkler will provide many years of enjoyment. Please read and agree to these Terms of Service.

You agree to attach sprinkler to only high quality 100% rubber hose which has 99.9% pure brass fittings and using the included 100% rubber washer. …

Photo credit: massmoments.org

I went to my local Starbucks because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of a life made up of sugar and caffeine, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach about those fancy designs the baristas put on the surface of your drink, and when I came to die, discover that I had not lived an artful, fully caffeinated and flavored life.

Since I have never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude, I built a cabin in the corner of the store. I borrowed an axe from a…

A caller reported hearing loud acoustic guitar music with off-key, sarcastic lyrics from the brownstone next door.

Photo by Courtney Kenady on Unsplash

A caller reported hearing loud acoustic guitar music with off-key, sarcastic lyrics from the brownstone next door. Dispatch sent two officers who were accomplished Thursday night open mic musicians and they reported a domestic dispute but did not see the need to request backup singers at the time. The officers convinced the couple to sing a few duets a cappella, and they appeared to fall back into love. The officers then advised the couple to get new strings and to practice every day or they would never make it as a folk duo, or have a successful and happy relationship.

Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

Welcome to the new Lonely Planet Guide™ to an Insurrection! We hope you’ll find in these pages valuable tips for your journey to the fascinating and colorful land of an insurrection. This edition contains new, updated information provided by other travelers. You’ll find information on getting a visa and clearing customs, finding food and keeping healthy, and about all the things to see and do. You don’t need to be a seasoned traveler to visit an insurrection, but it can certainly help your chances of not being imprisoned, or simply surviving. …

Photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels

Breath in the peace and breath out the hostility and the hunger for conflict that has consumed you! Breath in the clear air and expel that rancid basement man cave air!

Welcome to Yoga for Right Wing Militias! My name is Angela, and I’m so glad you signed up for my class! I just know you are here to learn how the ancient practice of yoga can help you integrate your mind and body with your favorite techniques of street combat, weapons handling and vague rants about political ideals.

We all know it’s exhausting to be on your feet all…

We can get you back on top as the purveyor of one of the most influential conspiracy theories in the world!

Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

Dear Mr. Q,

Thank you for your email regarding our services at Pivot Your Life Personal Image Consulting. Our team is well known for creating personal and professional images that take our clients to the next level in both confidence and success!

Your email was a bit cryptic, but you do mention that you feel your image, as Q, the thought leader of the QAnon conspiracy theory, has recently suffered a crisis of credibility due to current political events, namely the failed reelection bid of Donald Trump. No worries! We look forward to creating a personally tailored strategic action plan…

We like to keep everything at a distance, like other people, our feelings, and places that have too many tall buildings.

Photo by Mahir Uysal on Unsplash

Well pardner, out here on the wide, western prairie, I’ve been hearing the news about how important social distancing is. These are hard times, and due to get harder, and I’m just an old cowboy trailing my cattle into this pretty-as-a-postcard sunset. But tell you what. If you step out of that little foreign car you’re driving, and put a mask on, I’ll get down from my horse so we’re eye to eye and let you in on some secrets.

You see, respectful social distance is born and bred into every cowboy. We like to keep everything at a distance…

Mark Ratledge

A writer in Montana

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